Valentine's Day Tale from the RView

[Baitfinger]

Here's a classic from Valentine's Day 2007. Enjoy!

A few weeks ago, Jimmy Jack Possum started writing a Valentine’s Day poem to try to woo back Earline:

I seen thee workin’ in the store
And knew thy ain’t no whore.
A vision’s what I seen
Whoz nametag sez Earline.
You look like a angel
Makin’ my heart tangle
Up like fishin’ line.

That’s all he had come up with when he showed it to Lonnie Pickins and Johnny Gafftop, after they’d knocked back a couple cases of Keystone one Wednesday night. They both said it was “damn purdy,” and Johnny said he “honest to God damn near started cryin’” after he read it, then he puked and passed out on the couch.

The problem was that Jimmy Jack got stuck after writing the first few lines. He was so heartsick over the way Earline “broke up” with him that he could never get any further without starting to cry. So a day or two before Valentine’s Day, after an all night sob-a-thon, he finally gave up and tossed it out. Momma heard him blubbering out by the trash can around 1 in the morning, and went out to investigate and probably to give Jimmy Jack what for. He was gone by time she got on her robe and got out there, but she found the poem in the trash. After she finished reading it, she mumbled, “Ain’t no whore my ass,” and set fire to it with her cigarette. Then she decided she’d go down to the grocery store herself and give “Whore-lene” a piece of her mind about dumping her son—-not so much out of pity for Jimmy Jack, but more because she didn’t much care for Earline.

At about 9:00 a.m., T. Roy drove Momma over to the store, where she went ahead and got some shopping out of the way before starting the dirty work. After topping off the buggy with a box of strawberry wine, she headed straight for Earline’s register and asked for a pack of menthols. As Earline was getting the menthols down, Momma asked, “So you that whore who slept with my son then run off?” Earline turned around with a smirk on her face, and you could tell she was getting ready to say something smart. That’s when Momma leaned over the counter, grabbed the microphone, and announced, “Attention shoppers, there’s a special on whores at register 3! The first five men who ain’t slept with ‘WHORE-lene’ yet—which is gonna be DAMN hard to find…” Earline wrestled the mike away, and Momma snatched the pack of menthols, threw a wad of cash over the counter, and took off with her buggy, yelling, “So long WHORE-lene!”

Momma was especially satisfied with the outcome of her trip, and had T. Roy cracking up the whole way home the way she kept describing “the look on that whore’s face when I done that announcement over the damn microphone.” After putting away her groceries and pouring herself a Dixie cup of wine, she headed over to Jimmy Jack’s to spring the news on him. Of course, no matter how good Momma’s intentions were, her visit ended with a knock-down drag-out about how she just “don’t understand” and is “always interferin’” and then with Momma slapping the shit out of him.

So Jimmy Jack ended another Valentines day sobbing away in his RV until about midnight.