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Holiday Report from the RView
Bubba Coast is proud to present our Holiday Classic "New Year's Ding-a-Ling," orignially posted back in January of '08 and featuring the cast from that little RV park by the sea. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
L.C. Owens and Tina Possum finally shacked up together, just in time for his ex-wife to drop off their three kids for the holiday break. Tina raised holy hell at first, but she backed off a little when L.C. pointed out that his oldest boy, Junior, was "damn near twelve," so now they had somebody to babysit Tina Jr. on Friday nights, and could maybe get the CPS off their backs. In fact, they could party their asses off New Year’s Eve without having to drag a four-year-old into any bars.
So when December 31st rolled around, they shut down the Texas Rose Hall to ring in the new year, and finally staggered to the truck at about 1:00 a.m. L.C. managed to “keep it b’tween the ditches” on the drive home, but out of the blue he decided he wanted to make some reindeer noises on the roof of the trailer to get the kids excited. Tina might have argued that it didn't make a "goddam bit of sense," because Christmas was over a week ago, but she was passed out. So L.C. stopped by a buddy’s place in Algoa to load a mule in the back of his truck. When he got home, he let Tina sleep while he unloaded the mule and threw a tow rope over the top of the RV. He figured he could use his truck from the other side of the RV to pull the mule up onto the roof, then he’d climb up and ride it around to make the kids think Santa was up there.
He looped one end of the rope around the mule, then drove around to the opposite side of the RV and hitched the other end to his bumper. He grinned thinking about how excited the kids and Tina would be, then started pulling forward. For a second, it looked like his plan might work, but once the mule was about three feet off the ground, it decided it didn’t like what was happening and started to kick like hell. The mule busted out a window and dented the shit out of the RV before the rope snapped and it took off down the road. L.C. didn’t know what happened, but he felt the rope break, so he got out to see what was going on.
Meanwhile, Junior woke up from all the commotion, and came out with his dad’s nine-millimeter to investigate. When he spotted someone sneaking around the back of the trailer, he didn’t realize it was his dad, so he fired off a couple shots. One of them hit L.C. in the leg, and he hollered “Goddamit boy, it’s me!” Junior yelled, “What’n the hell’s WRONG with you,” and the two of them got into a loud fight. About that time, Tina woke up and stumbled out of the truck. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but she figured L.C. must have done something really stupid, so she tagged in on Junior’s team and started bitching at L.C.
Then when she saw L.C.’s leg, she and Junior got into it over who was going to drive L.C. to the hospital. Tina called Junior a “smart-ass little shit who cain’t even see over the damn steerin’ wheel,” and Junior called her a “drunk whore.” Meanwhile, L.C. was getting a second “buzz” from losing blood and kept asking them if they “seen that goddam elf just now.”
Fortunately the police showed up—since quite a few neighbors had called to report some disorderly conduct—and they got L.C. over to Mainland Hospital.
Meanwhile, L.C.’s buddy is pissed that he’s missing a mule.
L.C. Owens and Tina Possum finally shacked up together, just in time for his ex-wife to drop off their three kids for the holiday break. Tina raised holy hell at first, but she backed off a little when L.C. pointed out that his oldest boy, Junior, was "damn near twelve," so now they had somebody to babysit Tina Jr. on Friday nights, and could maybe get the CPS off their backs. In fact, they could party their asses off New Year’s Eve without having to drag a four-year-old into any bars.
So when December 31st rolled around, they shut down the Texas Rose Hall to ring in the new year, and finally staggered to the truck at about 1:00 a.m. L.C. managed to “keep it b’tween the ditches” on the drive home, but out of the blue he decided he wanted to make some reindeer noises on the roof of the trailer to get the kids excited. Tina might have argued that it didn't make a "goddam bit of sense," because Christmas was over a week ago, but she was passed out. So L.C. stopped by a buddy’s place in Algoa to load a mule in the back of his truck. When he got home, he let Tina sleep while he unloaded the mule and threw a tow rope over the top of the RV. He figured he could use his truck from the other side of the RV to pull the mule up onto the roof, then he’d climb up and ride it around to make the kids think Santa was up there.
He looped one end of the rope around the mule, then drove around to the opposite side of the RV and hitched the other end to his bumper. He grinned thinking about how excited the kids and Tina would be, then started pulling forward. For a second, it looked like his plan might work, but once the mule was about three feet off the ground, it decided it didn’t like what was happening and started to kick like hell. The mule busted out a window and dented the shit out of the RV before the rope snapped and it took off down the road. L.C. didn’t know what happened, but he felt the rope break, so he got out to see what was going on.
Meanwhile, Junior woke up from all the commotion, and came out with his dad’s nine-millimeter to investigate. When he spotted someone sneaking around the back of the trailer, he didn’t realize it was his dad, so he fired off a couple shots. One of them hit L.C. in the leg, and he hollered “Goddamit boy, it’s me!” Junior yelled, “What’n the hell’s WRONG with you,” and the two of them got into a loud fight. About that time, Tina woke up and stumbled out of the truck. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but she figured L.C. must have done something really stupid, so she tagged in on Junior’s team and started bitching at L.C.
Then when she saw L.C.’s leg, she and Junior got into it over who was going to drive L.C. to the hospital. Tina called Junior a “smart-ass little shit who cain’t even see over the damn steerin’ wheel,” and Junior called her a “drunk whore.” Meanwhile, L.C. was getting a second “buzz” from losing blood and kept asking them if they “seen that goddam elf just now.”
Fortunately the police showed up—since quite a few neighbors had called to report some disorderly conduct—and they got L.C. over to Mainland Hospital.
Meanwhile, L.C.’s buddy is pissed that he’s missing a mule.
Comment
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Comment by Baitfinger on December 22, 2008 at 5:33pm
- Bubba Coast baby!
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Comment by Elliot on December 22, 2008 at 5:24pm -
Holy smoke that shit is funny. Are southerners the only people who have this type thing happen with regularity. I grew up with this type thing all the time and when I tell stories about it the Yankees look at me like I'm some kind of idiot.
Merry Christmas Bubba!
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ARTIST'S CORNER
Even though the late Gracie Fulton was not orignially from the Lone Star State, she was truly a Texan at heart. She told me more times than I can remember, "You Texans are so like Rhodesian farmers. We are all brothers and sisters." While we will miss her very badly, I'm thankful she was able to finish her wonderful book.
These musicians all have roots back to good ol' Santa Fe, TX.
DOC ARCHIE
LEE ALEXANDER
These musicians all have roots back to good ol' Santa Fe, TX.
DOC ARCHIE
LEE ALEXANDER
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